So sad to start this blog off on such a melancholy note... But it's the truth. Two weeks ago at this time, I wasn't living alone. I had a boyfriend that adored me and probably still does. We dated for like 4 years and I broke up with him because he has like $30,000 in school loans and $10,000+ in credit card debt and flunked out of college 3 times (despite the many letters of appeal I wrote to get him back in). He works at one of those home improvement mega stores where he makes not even $10 an hour.
$40k in debt and no degree to show for it... No degree to help him pay it off. I graduated from college last month and woke up a week later feeling really trapped. He's been out of school for over a year and had promised to get a better paying job. I know the economy is in the shitter and jobs are hard to come by, but a year? C'mon. Let me tell you: I'm NO ONES sugar mama.
Well, a week ago yesterday, he began moving out. As the days have passed, I no longer feel trapped, but I feel so alone. My eyes constantly feel as though they're welling up; I'm so anxious and uncertain...But at least I no longer feel trapped by debt that wasn't even mine.
His parents really did a number on his self-esteem. When he was younger, they wouldn't take away TV or send him to his room for a time out... NO NO. They threatened him with adoption and meant it. Told him he was worth nothing and would never amount to anything without them. I've tried for 4 years to pick up the pieces- to try and get him to love himself and accept that he was capable of so much. He just didn't care. He tried to care (I think) but not enough to drive himself to success.
What's wrong with me? I feel so abandoned but really, I'm the one who left the relationship.
Things just weren't suppose to be this way: We were both suppose to graduate from college and buy a house and have kids. How does one do that when there's $40k of debt, only one college degree, and his shitty credit score?
I feel so ripped off... He promised me one thing, and delivered another. I'm no longer sure if I was in love with him or in love with the grand picture of life that he sold to me.
*wandering*
EWLA - News
12 years ago
6 comments:
He just sent a text now saying that he starts a new job on Monday...Now what?
Goodness! I got to your blog after your comment about Top Chef.
First off, I love new readers to my blog, so that's cool.
Second, Antonia is SO the better chef. Lisa would definitely give that pouty I-don't-deserve-to-be-kicked-off stance each time she was at judges table. And she always blames other people for her mistakes (I think she burned her rice on two different episodes). Not like it matters anyway, Richard is going to win, that dude can do some serios cooking.
Third, for what it's worth as i don't know you or your boyfriend...you have to try and keep the monetary stuff separate. If he's in a better job now that will help to chip away at that $40K debt, then it's a start. Maybe it's not a great solution, but it's something. If you like/love the guy, his financial baggage won't matter. There will always be money issues (especially if you were thinking about settling down, buying a house, etc.), and it's not worth losing a relationship with someone you love over debt issues.
If you got out of the relationship because you don't like him anymore, then don't go back.
hey abby
i saw you from jeff's blog.
i just wrote a looong reply but it got deleted when i tried to post--the open id thing doesn't work--so i'll try to remember everything i said.
i get jeff's point about keeping money separate from the relationship, but considering that's a focal issue in a lot of relationships whether we like it or not, you're dealing with a very realistic sort of situation and you shouldn't feel bad about it.
a few things:
1) the college debt i understand. so maybe he's not a college sort of guy, which is fine, but that's not the person you fell in love with and that's disappointing.
$10k in other debt?? that's a bit harder to explain. i imagine some of that is because he left school and because his family doesn't seem like the most supportive, but if anything, that should be some fire under his ass to make it work. if he can't make it work, then he needs to suck it up and go back to school. his inability to pay off the $10k should at the very least, illustrate a very important lesson that you can't really go far in our country without a college degree. $10k in debt is no joke for someone your age.
2) i imagine what really bothers you is what his lack of financial responsibility represents.
3) it's nice of you to try to help him pick up the pieces, but it's not your job. if after 4 years he still hasn't made the effort, it's time to leave. that sort of thing is what he should be going to a counselor for, not you. another important reminder: YOU CAN'T CHANGE HIM.
4) you dated this guy for 4 years and you just graduated college? you dated 1 guy for the entirety of college, so i'm assuming you didn't date much in high school either. as you've probably been told by friend, family, tv or otherwise, that is the best time to date around. i don't think i've seen a single situation like yours work out well. i think you've just come to the natural end of your time together. again, this is also a time of development for you, so regardless of the money issues, it's likely you would grow apart in other ways, too.
5) it doesn't mean that this is set in stone, that you'll never date again. but for now it sounds like you made the right decision. give yourself some space to think about things clearly. having him living with you certainly would only serve to cloud your though process.
6) go date some other people
7) don't get married right away
8) as for him getting a job on monday, that's great, but it's not solving your problems. stick to your decision, if you see that he's finally growing up and taking responsibility for himself and his actions, and addressed the issues that you had with that relationship then fine, maybe consider getting back together. but don't ever be under the assumption that everything will be so perfect the second time around.
9) to quote greg berendt (?), it's called a break up because it's broken. it sucks now, but if in the long run this is the right thing for you, then you'll come to realize that, and it's really not such a sad thing. what would be sad is to be attached to an empty, unloving or resentful relationship. the longer you stay in this one, th e more resentful you will become. i think you already knew that though.
(sorry my blogger account is just called 'your mom', i know it's obnoxious... i'm deborah)
Thank you, Deborah! I can't seem to access your blog to tell you this directly, but what you said really came into focus for me and really has a great deal of clarity.
You have NO IDEA how much you've just helped me out.
Thank you so much!
-Abby
hey abby,
glad i could shed some light. i see a bit of my past in what you said, so hopefully you can learn from my experience. in the end though, you have to do what's right for you.
my blog is chinadaily.wordpress.com
deborah
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